Here is a 3-step flow I’ve found to be particularly powerful in processing painful experiences or failures, so we can get on with the business of transformation and level on up:

Step 1: Dive into the pain. Feel it.  And I mean, let it be excruciating, if it needs to be. When you have some down times, whether it be at home or at an off-site or meeting (not when you or your team needs to be incredibly “on”), bring the experience to mind, and give yourself permission to acknowledge the disappointment, painful event or failure and sit with the feelings that arise.

Could be grief.  Could be sadness.  Could be frustration or anger.  Maybe even guilt or shame. Or panic, fear or terror at the consequences or karmic chain that might have been set in motion.

Whatever it is, let it come up – and don’t fight it.  Leaning into these feelings, experiencing the grief or pain that comes up organically, is a critical completion of the painful event or relationship.  You can’t grieve what’s not over, so feeling these emotions is the most fundamental, necessary way to declare the experience over and clear the slate for forward motion.

For some this is easy – tears flow freely. I, on the other hand, once spent about 6 weeks listening to sad songs, reading sad blog posts about puppies and their fallen military companions, and giving myself permission to cry.  And I got two measly tears. Probably a result of having had a 1-cry-a-year policy since childhood.

If you’re like me, and have a built-in resistance to these sorts of emotions because you’re afraid they might break you down or make it harder for you to be The Competent One, hear this: a number of recent studies have shown that widows who were strong and resilient when their husbands died had much longer-lasting physical and emotional effects from their grief than those who had a so-called emotional breakdown in the days after their spouses’ deaths.

Break down in order to to break through – there’s a rethink for you.

Also, Harvard researchers have found that the human being’s physiological capacity to deeply experience excruciating grief and pain in reaction to an event or experience lasts about a grand total of 90 seconds.

Yes, 90 seconds – and here’s the transcript of my own mental chatter from that minute-and-a-half:
“I can’t believe that happened, my heart is completely broken, the agony and distress, what will I ever do, I can’t imagine I’ll ever recover from the pain of – hmmm, wonder if I can score some of that walnut Kalamata levain for cheat day.”

However, we do have the power to extend the duration of our deep pain, for years even, if we attempt to avoid feeling the appropriate emotional response to a situation, or if we simply choose to keep revisiting or being stuck on thoughts and memories of the event, which typically results in us circling back to the painful circumstances ad infinitum.

Step 1 to powerful ‘past processing’ is to lean in, feel your pain, let it be excruciating. 90 seconds, 90 days, 90 months or a lifetime – you get to choose.

Step 2: Metabolize, Part I: Extract the Lessons from Your Losses.  Whether your team has failed at an initiative and had to pull the plug, you had to fire an employee you cared about or you lost your home to foreclosure, if you want to turn your painful failures and losses into fodder for progress and transformation, it’s essential that you do what Dr. Henry Cloud deems “metabolizing” these experiences. The parallel is to what your body does when it metabolizes food: it takes the nutrition it can extract from the food, then expels the rest as waste product.

After you’ve felt your 90 seconds of trauma and drama (or thereabouts), set about the process of extracting and gleaning insights and lessons from the experience that will serve you as you move onward and upward. If you’re in an organization, it might make sense to put a systematic process to this, including documenting the learning and analysis that will be applicable and useful to future endeavors and projects.

Step 3:  Metabolize, Part II: Get Over the Past by Eliminating What Doesn’t Serve You About the Painful Experience.  When it comes to expelling the superfluous elements of a painful experience, like waste, do not underestimate the power of making an intentional decision to stop fixating, ruminating or perseverating on what has happened. Having some clarity on what you’ve learned will help you discard what doesn’t serve you (or anyone else, for that matter) about the painful experience by focusing you on the future.

Some other powerful tools for eliminating the pain and toxic remains of a failure or experience, organizationally or personally, include:

• Rituals and symbols of endings. Dr. Cloud recommends having a “funeral” for the dead division, product, or other ending – these can include going away parties to commemorate even bittersweet personnel moves, team retreats, or even grief or recovery support groups and classes, on a personal level.  I’ve always thought those divorce parties you see on reality shows were tacky, but they serve a purpose.
• A corporate culture and personal values system that views failures and losses as a normal part of the cycle of innovation and evolution (more on this, here).
• A clear, galvanizing vision for the future. Having an aspirational, declared vision and commitment to an inspired future, for yourself or your company, is probably the single most powerful motivator for leaving behind the patterns and emotions that do not serve you and will hinder you from creating the future you envision.
• Avoiding “rebound” projects, endeavors or relationships until metabolism is complete. If I had a dollar for every foreclosed homeowner whose home hasn’t even yet hit the auction block before they’re trying to perform mortgage wizardry to qualify to buy another, I could personally fund a Main Street bailout. And time and time again, I’ve advised: “Slow your roll!” Sit still, feel the pain of the foreclosure, move from the grief stage of denial and anger into the stage where you figure out what you would have (and will) done differently in your mortgage decision-making or personal finances, heal your finances and credit from the trauma of losing your your home (and/or job, etc.). Get all the way out of debt.  Save up.  Your next home purchase, a couple of years down the road, will be much more sustainable and drama-free for it.

You can’t hold onto waste products – or the bitterness and pain left over after the lessons have been metabolized out of a failure or excruciating experience – and also be nimble, flex with the circumstances and thrive. So, lean in, learn and let go.