The Adlerian psychologists have a few wise things to say about so-called “defiant” children.
They say all misbehaving children feel misunderstood.
And they say all children — behaving or misbehaving — have two buckets they need filled every day: an attention bucket and a power bucket.
Fail to fill either bucket and acting out occurs.
And this usually becomes an unholy, unruly cycle of defiance, whereby:
- Kid doesn’t get attention.
- Kid acts out.
- Kid gets attention, even if it’s negative attention.
- Kid learns that the way to get attention is to act out.
It’s almost ridiculously simple.
Most of the people I work with have identified that they have a problem with self-motivation in that they struggle to stay focused, to be all in and to stay on course when it comes to the things that matter the most to them. They get chronically blocked by conscious fear and self-doubt, and unconscious forms of fear and doubt that usually manifest as distraction.
Most of the people I work with are also high-achieving, which means they have a pretty incredible track record of actually doing things, just not the things that matter to them. They have a great track record of doing things that get them validation, status, money and approval in the eyes of other people.
Sometimes it’s helpful to think of this kind of self-motivation impasse — this inner resistance — as kind of like having a defiant inner child that acts out when you ask it to help you do something that matters to you.
When you’re in a season of trying to get into action on your own callings, dreams, self-improvement aspirations and creative projects, and you hit that wall of Inner Resistance, ask yourself these three questions:
1. What within me feels misunderstood right now? Extend an open, warm, listening opportunity to your own emotions and thoughts.
Write them out freely without censorship and without self-criticism. Delay and suspend your own judgement of your own self.
Don’t try to reframe anything or talk yourself into feeling something you don’t feel. To do so is to divorce and abandon yourself. Just listen to yourself. If you feel sad, feel sad. If you feel afraid, feel afraid.
Feel your feelings, and let them do their work within you, and they’ll leave you alone before too long.
2. What within me needs attention right now? I mean this on every level. Do your feet feel cold? Put socks on. Need to pee? Go do that, not in 15 minutes. Now. Are you hungry. Stressed. Anxious? Angry?
Do you need more sleep? Do you need better nutrition? More physical activity?
Do you need to stop pushing parts of yourself away? Do you need to stop hiding your own light? Do you need to start grieving or mourning something?
Do you need to get some help?
3. What within me needs to be empowered right now? You have so much more power than you’re likely exercising. We all do. So make it your practice of regularly empowering your inner child – the playful, innocent, eternally hopeful core of your own inner being — to have some power and call at least some of the shots of your life.
You can do this by devoting more time to playing with dogs and babies. By devoting more time to playing, period. By dressing up when you have nothing but Zoom calls on the calendar. By being lighthearted and playful. By giving someone or giving yourself the (unearned) benefit of the doubt, just because. Or by taking a chance on some endeavor that the hardened, cynical part of you would think is foolish.
You empower your inner child by creating a life that doesn’t make you dread getting up in the morning. You do this by taking things off your plate that you hate to do. By reducing the number of things you hate to do that you have to do on a recurring basis, as part of your everyday life.
If you fill your inner child’s buckets with “credits” for attention, power and understanding today, you can cash those credits in weeks or months in the future. So if you make a habit of filling your inner child’s attention bucket and power bucket a little (or a lot) every day, you will hit less resistance and less defiance when you try to self-motivate.
Back in the 1900s (lol), they used to call “defiant” children “spirited”. I hate that phrase, because it sets up this idea that the parent is the opponent of the child’s spirit, and the goal should be to surgically extract the spirit from the child. And that’s exactly how so many adults you know had all their brilliant, spirited edges filed off, dulled down and locked up when they were young.
So if you have what feels like a defiant inner child, change the way you think of it. There’s not something within you that’s defiant. You have a “spirited” inner child. And your goal is not to take the spirit out. You don’t want a spirit-less inner child. You want to unlock that spirit. You want to team up with that spirit. You want to get to know it and let its brilliance infuse everything you ever do. You want to give the reins of your life to that spirit.
And you do that by giving your spirited inner child some understanding, your attention and the power to control a little bit of your everyday life.
Try it and let me know how it goes.
Head up + heart out,
Tara-Nicholle Kirke, MA, Esq.
The Inner Critic Coach™️
Founder + CEO of SoulTour
@taranicholle on FB | TW | IG | LI
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