I wanted to tell you about a thing that happened to me last week. 

I got a whole year back. 

All right, what does that mean? I got a whole year back. 

So for context, I went to see my dad last weekend, not just the weekend that just happened the weekend before that, I had not seen him in three years, I would call the state of our relationship for last few years, partially estranged. 

And you know, those of you who are in my programs, kind of know, my background. My childhood was brilliant and awful, at the same time, literally all at the same time. And the older I get and the more spiritually mature you get, the more you can hold the space for both of those things being true. 

And as Londyn came into my life, my four year old, I had to really like work through some of the PTSD experience that was stirred up by having a young girl, brilliant, genius, baby, girl child. And I had to work through some of that with my parents. 

So I’d actually had to have some conversations with my father about like, Hey, yo, like, I’d like you to be part of this child’s life, if x y, z, ABC subparagraph 123. And these bullets could be met as conditions. All right, so we worked it out. 

And because I have this impending, relatively large move out of the country, I thought I, I’ve been on what I think of as my like, a closing open loops tour, kind of going around all the areas of my life and being like, where is there a thing that an unfinished business, a piece of a conversation that needs to be wrapped up and an open loop that needs closing? 

All right, so we went to see my dad, and actually the trip was wonderful. 

It was a very validating experience of what can happen if you’re just unafraid to like name, say what needs saying, and, you know, be a very mature spiritual adult, and also require that other people hold other people as powerful. 

Alright, so we go down to see my dad. And that’s all just context. We got to see my dad. 

And he said something in conversation to me, he’s like, baba, baba, bah, you’ll be 47 on your next birthday. And then did it done. I’m like, What do you mean, I’ll be 47 on my next birthday. Look, you don’t even know how old I am. I’m already 47. Like my dad, who’s kind of like a math genius. says, I assure you, you are 46 years old. I was there upon your birth. And I know math and telling you you’re 46. And now just know, I used to have a real problem with trying to be older than I was. My whole very early childhood. My parents tried to make me be older than I was. And I kind of just took that and ran with it. Like in my teenage years, my early 20s Even in my 30s I would always I think one of the ways I wrested control over the age narrative and our culture was to just always make myself be older than I was. 

So years ago, decades ago, actually, I had a therapist tell me just be the EGR just be the age you are don’t fast forward. Don’t round up. Just be the age you are. So I did. 

So when my dad’s like, you’ll be 47 next year. I’m like, Nah, fam. I’m 47 Now, finally, he’s like, so insistent, I actually get my phone out and I say, Google. I was born November 13 1975. How old am I? Like you’re 46 years old. And I’m like, fun. I just got a hole free in like a day, which was actually hilarious. 

So you know, I share it because it’s a funny story. And because we didn’t get to be deep all the damn time. 

But also because this is a little bit of one of the sort of side effects of what happens when you reject the cultural story. Have numerics the cultural story of Numerix is like all of the numbers. It is like a story of judgment that your numbers, the numbers that describe you, and how you being who you be, are bad or wrong or somehow inefficient or worthy of judgment or criticism. So it’s judgment about your income judgment. It’s not enough. It’s usually a scarcity story judgment. It’s a scarcity story or too much story, not enough or too much. 

Your age is too much your weight is too much your income is not enough. There’s not enough time, right? 

Years ago, I did the work of like rejecting the hell out of that shit helped by actually helped by a number of very sage wise women who were much older than me. You know, I’ve told the story before I’ll tell the story someday of how, when I was a teen, when I was 19, I took dictation as a 90 Something woman year old woman told me her life story. And I wrote it and we actually published it into a book was the first book I ever worked on. So seeing her and knowing that life is not short life is long, seeing her and my reaction to her as an as a 19 year old and yes, she was wrinkled and was and and wonderful. She was not of your style. 

They would say in Espanol, Mata Vyasa. And I knew that and I felt that, at 19 years old, those things kind of took some of the angst you’re agitated out of aging, especially, you know, and they were especially formative experiences to have when I was 19. 

Alright, so one thing is something that can happen, because sometimes I get these notes from these beautiful people. I teach in Simon Sinek’s school, I taught this course the other day or a program the other day in his school, and someone emailed me and was like, but if I buy into that one, I just fall out of touch with reality. And I was like, yes, exactly. Only if you do it, right. Because reality, or what others think of as reality, what others think of as time is arbitrary, as fuck. 

Okay. So what I do is, I’m aware that time is a construct, it’s just, there’s no such thing as time in science or in reality, there’s just this moment and this moment, and this moment and this moment, and we use time to measure the change in a state, the change in the atoms, the change in distance location, that we just use time as a way to talk about change between one moment and the next moment. 

So it’s really a handy construct, because then you and I can agree that we’re going to meet up at a certain place at a certain time. So time is a construct that serves us very well. But time is a construct that is a like many constructs, is a wonderful servant and a terrible master. So it becomes a terrible master when you let the story about time, especially when you let the be a good little cog toxic kind of capitalism story about time that says there’s not enough you’re too old, you better hurry up.

It’s one of the most common questions that people write into me with, I fear that I will run out of time in my life to do the things that I want to do. Right. And I’m like, great, that fear is really helpful. That urgency is really helpful. As long as it reminds you, you know that now’s the time to be in due and experience and learn what you came here for. And but it is insidious, when it becomes this time scarcity lie that runs you or the I’m getting too old lie that keeps you paralyzed. 

So you got to just remember that time is arbitrary as hell, what I tend to do because I have, I literally have flipped this backwards, you know, where many people have one day a week that they take off of meetings, I actually only do meetings one day a week so that I can have control over my own time and experience of life. So what I because I work in such a, you know, it’s on such a different time format than the average person. 

I basically have have to set tools up. I have to set tools up in around me to make sure that I stay in, you know, a little bit in the world. I have a four year old that helps. I got to pick her up and drop her off at certain points. That’s just real right? She has to eat And I’m big on like, beautifully lavish scattered, you know, helpful beneficial schedules and daily routines and daily rituals. So like that helps us keep looped into our day. 

My assistants know, if you if you’re proofreading an email from Tara, you definitely need to check the time, the dates because terrorists sense for when those are usually off, right so I use tools, my calendar, I use my calendar, my calendar is not a tyrant to me because I’ve taken so much control over it over the years. So I use it all actually in the all in the morning all in the evening, I use the calendar, you know, if it’s not on my calendar, it’s not happening, and use my calendar to stay looped. 

And I see someone on Instagram, saying that’s her gold flip the time, especially when she reaches retirement in three years. That’s right. And I just chose many years ago actually to begin gradually. 

So I’m going to encourage you to start beginning now to start beginning to begin to take reclaim your time now. And you can do it in little gradual, incremental ways. And you’ll have to and I’m going to tell you why. So like right now, decide what the things are in your life that give you life that plug your spiritual batteries in, and give yourself allocate on your calendar, 10 minutes or 15 minutes extra every single day starting now don’t wait to retirement for that. And the reason I say that is this. You know, in my in my teachings, I teach the metaphysics of like living a baller ass life like a self actualized rich life and every and I don’t mean I do mean rich financially. But I also mean, rich, meaning wise, right? A delicious look the plate life where you feel like you are fulfilling yourself spiritually. All right. 

One of the enemies of that level of fulfillment is when you are motivated to do things. And most of us are most people that I meet are actually motivated to do most of what the most of the things that they do, by an adrenalized sense of dread by that feeling of time scarcity by that feeling that time is running out by that feeling of you know, external validation or external validation will be withheld by that feeling of I have to do this for money, I have to do this to get the raise, I have to do this for title, I have to do this for status, like, you know, for whatever it is, it’s an internalized sense of dread. 

And it’s really, really common, when people begin to reclaim their time. It’s very common to have this season where you feel a little like untethered in a very uncomfortable way, and in a way that is very beneficial. It’s just uncomfortable, and beneficial. Okay. So like people will often feel very like, oh my gosh, without the adrenaline, what will motivate me without the adrenaline? How will I decide what to do with my days? And with my time? What will I do without that I adrenalized sense of dread or external validation? That is the thing that has been helping me figure out how to spend my days for my whole life? Possibly. All right. I know when I first started to reclaim my sense of time, I actually felt like am I still alive?

Without the adrenaline am I still alive? You know, you feel a little flat because adrenaline has been your juice for so long. Trying to prove trying to feel worthy, trying to be worthy, trying to get it all done really fast to get to some like check some freaking box off. You just feel like you’re not necessarily alive. And so it takes there’s like a bit of this process. The Life and self mastery process involves, yes, your decision that you want to reclaim your own life and time. 

Yes, the intention that you’re going to take that back and flip things around and mold the clay of your time and your calendar, according to what you care about. But also the knowing that in that learning curve process there is there’s gonna be a little valley where you’re like, am I even alive anymore? What do I do? How do I what am I going to be about? And some people are very tempted in that valley to start doing other adrenalized shit. 

So I see this a lot where it’s like people will come off of a you know, a career, a lifelong career and it’s like they immediately are like, I don’t feel like I’m doing anything so I gotta like, fill my calendar again with like church obligations or did it or I gotta go here, I gotta get another job or I got to do to get a job. So that’s why I say if you think that you’re going to like, in three years from now have much more control of your time, I’m going to encourage you to start taking that time back and little bits and pieces, and bits and pieces right now. Learn how to feel very alive, even when you’re being very still. Even when you’re letting things happen very gradually. Right? 

Learn what things are really in control, you are really you are already really in way more control of your time than you think you are. And it took me It probably took me like seven or 10 years. No joke, too big to figure out how truly in control of my time I was, right? Because it’s one thing when you shift from like, they’re telling a story that says what I have to do with my time. And then when you come out of that there’s still a you’re telling the story about what you can do with your time. Yes, I say, That’s right. And you Yes, it helps to start the process way many years before you actually will have the total freedom of time of like not having, you know, a day job. All right. 

Now, I want to also paint the picture of the opposite of what happens when you do totally reclaim your time. Yes, you forget how old you are. But also you have you know, I feel like an alien sometimes because I’ll be out here being like, Yo, I’m for sure aging in reverse. When everybody else is like r&b. Like I’m getting older. And I’m like, Oh guys, I know. And you know what, there are seasons where that’s actually helpful where your body is saying, yo, I need you to like pay attention, I need more nourishment, I need more movement, I need more stretching, I need more strength, I need more. That’s real. 

So there are times in your life, we will feel that way as you age. And like it’s your body asking you to give it something that you need. But then there’s another thing to just be like I’m whatever 4550 66 Even 7am Like wrap my mind around. I got to pack it in. Right. So yeah, you may feel a little bit like an alien things that will happen when you recalibrate your sense of time, you will forget how old your your parents will have to remind you, that’s what just happened to me, you will start to feel a little bit like an alien when you’re around people who think that the number on your year of birth means you’ve got to pack it in. Okay.

I literally just told you about a woman I met when I was 19, who was in her 90s Who was like, You know what, I need to do this here, I need to write a book. I’m saying she was like, listen, and that woman had outlived her children. She had outlived three husbands, and she was like, You know what I need to do, I need to write that book. And I think she was like 94 Five, when she first when I first started working with her. And she did write it and she did get it. And she did speak about I mean like she was like and she was not like in the best of health she just was like living my life. 

So you will learn you will feel a little like an alien and you will also call in attract and magnetize in other other people who are willing to rendezvous with you in a realm where age is nothing but a number. 

All right, you will learn how to flow time we talk a lot in the School of spiritual strategy programs especially in life and self mastery about how about there’s like Einstein Time and Newton time that Einstein Time Is that thing he said where you know, what is it like a minute with your a minute a minute with with a person you love a minute with your lover feels like a second and a second with your hand on the stove feels like an hour. Right? So that was his way of saying, you know, time is very relative and you actually have a lot of control over how much time you have and how much time you experience yourself as having in this life based entirely on what you choose to do with your time. 

If you aren’t doing the things that you love, oh, it can feel like time you know, like you lose yourself in time in a wonderful way. And if you spend the time of your life doing shit you hate. It will feel like a drudge. You know what I mean? It will feel like, like awful. So you’ll learn how to flow you can learn how to flow time you can learn how to allocate your time more and more and more and more incrementally to things that give you life. 

You can invest your time spend more and more of your time and things that expand your energy expand your joy expand your lifeforce people who know me my clients know I get up in the day I get the baby to school, I get myself to the club and I actually spend usually An hour, hour and a half at the beginning of my work day after take babies at daycare at the beginning of my work day, in whatever other people would call it self care in working out in the Steam Room in the hot tub, getting into state getting into mode. And you know what the time all works out, right? Because when I come out of that, I’m like butter. It’s like brilliant work that needs no editing just flows, because I’ve tended to my state, right. And you’ll learn how to wait on interest in divine order and timing. 

You’ll learn how not to make moves, unless it feels really, really, really, really, really like the exact right time to make a move. You’ll learn how to move in an accelerated way sometimes, and often the acceleration that is available to you by trusting in divine order. And timing is literally in the waiting in the not making the move unless it feels exactly in alignment exactly in harmony. Right. In savoring the delay knowing that even your delays benefit you as who should silver says, Even you’re in divine timing, even your delays benefit you. All right. 

So learning to create time by trusting in and waiting on divine order. And timing is all about becoming it’s like about cultivating an okayness within yourself with the reality of the plot twist. Right? There are things that you don’t you’re like, Oh man, I don’t want to make that change. I don’t want to I already said I was gonna do it this way, or thought I was going to do it this way. I don’t want to make that change, because it’ll slow me down or because somebody else will judge it or somebody else will think, you know, I’m wishy washy or whatever. And oftentimes, those exact plot twists are the things that will accelerate you sometimes by sidestepping you around a couple years. 

In a marriage, you don’t need to go through a couple years and a town you don’t actually need to live in. Right. But you know, people get so concerned about how other people will judge their commitment about how other people will judge their decisions that they carry through on these like till death do us part decisions that they know before they even enter into them ain’t really all the way in alignment. Right? So I’ve learned that sometimes if you get cold feet, sometimes when you get cold feet, right before you make a move, that’s a big move. And there’s something else out here that needs to be explored. 

Go to the exploration, don’t who gives a shit what they say? First of all, they think about you No way, I’m gonna tell you like I tell London. If they like you, you’re magical. If they don’t like you, you still only match. 

Okay, so like, if they approve of your decision or rate you’ll be magical if they don’t approve of your decisions, if they don’t approve of the exploration that you need to have to feel really solidly aligned to allow divine order and timing to line up and light up for you. If they don’t approve of it. If other people look at it and want to look at it a kind of way you still gonna be magical okay so know that the process of creating your beautiful best life the life that you came here to live the rich life is a process of becoming more and more okay with the plot twist because hey everything but the plot twist life is a lie. 

Anyway, all these the idea that you can have this 25 year action plan for your life and it all play out exactly to plan is like yo, if that happens, you probably your plan was too small. 

First off, first and foremost, because the plot twists that are driven by your wise inner being are almost always trying to expand you and to expand your imagination and expand your dream. Right so it’s not always about hitting a numeric goals. 

Sometimes it’s about hitting a new American goal plus joy and unparalleled joy, unparalleled alignment, unparalleled well being unparalleled in our peace unparalleled. You know join your fam thriving in your family. 

So like yeah, you know the plot twists will take you far if you follow the plot twist of your wise inner being. But also this process is the rhythm of creating in accordance with divine order and timing is often about this alternating. My teacher Dave Rico talks about it as an alternating series of surrenders in choice. Surrender to your own big self. Surrendering to your own greatness, surrendering to your own inner nudges and wise inner beings. You know, like no, not time yet. Not quite right that something’s not quite right about that. Sometimes something’s not right about it right now and it will be right about it later. But you don’t have to explain all of that. You don’t have to convince anybody you don’t have to justify all of that. You just learn to surrender to the inner guidance and like, would let it take you where it takes you. Right? 

Learn to surrender to ease learn to surrender to your yes signals. I saw my friend Christine Barrett call the his her green lights. I always think of them as like, yes, signals I follow the yes and no, she’s like, I follow the green lights. Yes, surrender to following the green lights, which also means slowing at the yellow lights and stopping red lines, right? 

Surrender to your big self surrender to making big moves, sometimes accelerated moves, where you bypass a whole freakin construction project because your inner guidance was trying to get you around it the whole time. Right? And then surrendering to sometimes it needs to be, you know, slow, and gradual. 

So as my dad was like, Yo, you’re not 47 Hello. I have this moment of real appreciation this, I’ll close with this. And this moment of deep appreciation for the spirals of personal growth and development I’ve had in these almost like five year one year and five year and 10 year healing cycles in my life. I reflected on how at age 35, I was truly in a dark night of the soul 35 from me. Hmm, hope I get my math right. Around 35 for me was the great recession. Which found me with this, like, you know, I had one of those, I had one of those lives that everybody liked to look at. 

And that felt like a cars that parked on my chest inside. I had one of those lives where I was working all day and all night literally pulling every freaking lever in the universe because I thought the universe was mine to spin. I thought I was the direct tricks of it.

And I thought by my own mighty effort, I could keep unwanted shit from happening to me. And then like a recession happened. I was in real estate, I lost everything. I got divorced. My kids were split up by this custody, not bizarreness. And I truly found myself in what they call a dark night of the soul, like on my knees being like, Hey, God, I need you to show up, literally, Jesus fix it because I don’t, I can’t, I can’t do any more than I’m already doing. And I did all the things, and it’s still not working. Right. 

And that was when I sort of began the process of like reading and studying and praying and meditating and understanding wisdom from all of the traditions, not just the one I had grown up in, and like discovering the divine truth that you can see when you’re looking across all of the human, you know, ancient sacred texts and traditions. And when you’re willing to meet that with a great trust in the knowings and revelations, that feeling of resonance in your own soul. 

This was when I stopped looking to other people to tell me what was the right thing to believe. And when I started to like, hear in my own cells in my own body what was right and what was true and followed that. 

So by 3535 was hanging dark night of the soul at 40 my 40th birthday, some of y’all know, things had changed. I celebrated my 40th birthday party by going to nine places in the world I’d never been before. Over 18 months. It was remarkable in that I had gone from like losing my business losing my home to like, you know, taking a number of jobs in tech, taking my job at my fitness pal, which was one of the best decisions I’ve literally ever made in my life. We had been acquired by Under Armour. It had been very lucrative for me, I was traveling the world it was awesome. I was catching boyfriends in different countries it was wonderful. 

By 45 I was really in I had I had come, I had done I had come into I had started soul tour, I was clear that my calling was not to be a marketer in the shadows kind of just trying to like Head fake people into the deep inner work they needed to do it was to actually do this work as my work as my own. Life. And so as I came into a bold knowing of what my colleagues were, you know, the complex that we would call in young in psychology, we would call the death mother complex, really had emerged, that my shadow material, the deep dark shit had really emerged. And this time I knew what to do with it. I was like, bet. Let’s go, let’s go. 

So I was doing battle with the death mother complex, and I was going to win, I knew I would win. But it was dark. There had been all these things happen in my family, there had been all these medical problems, all these things happening within me, and I was like, here for it and hyper present to it. 

And I knew I would win, but I was in it. And then by like, 46, I think of it, I’m gonna talk to you guys about this later this week. You know, I have the death mother complex, I’ll share all about what that means. I have this incredible experience of post traumatic healing that I had been working on for 25 years, but also then accelerated in some ways, including with psychedelics. So I’ll tell you all about that. 

And then by 46, I was seeing in my spirit and my wiring the triumph of what we’ll call the Great Mother archetype. Right, I was seeing this like, emergence of a new me my big self was coming forth, new vision was coming forth, I had reclaimed my ability to dream in vivid, vivid, vivid color, I was having all of my all of my powers were starting to come online in a way that felt like new powers, but also were like, maybe the powers I came here with when I was a tiny, tiny baby. Right. 

So it was like that began this process of thinking about new countries, new empires, knowing that all the trauma, all the shadow, all the trials and travails all the events of the rest of the other 46 years of my life, were really just seeds you know, and I was like, emerging into the red wood of a of a human that I am and if you’re watching this, you’re watching it because you are too you literally are a spiritual redwood and all of the trauma all of the trials, all of the disappointments, all of the history, all of the things you tried and failed, they were all your seeds. Your that was all just part of the process of becoming. 

Alright, so just remember, time is nothing but a construct it’s cool if you forget how old you are who gives a rip. But you do get to choose to make meaning you choose to like throw burn down the culture story about time we just like you’re running into and there’s never enough time you don’t get enough sleep you’re getting too old. Burn that shit down. Throw it away, literally. Like it’s not it’s a lie as the reason it feels bad to you is because your why is inner being which is the same as the voice of God source spirit. All that is speaks to you within you is like, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. And that voice is never going to agree with the nonsense story about time or aging or any of the other income or whatever else. It’s never going to agree with that. 

So it’s always going to feel bad when you start to agree with that. So you may as well just get on the side of source spirit and all that is, which says you are eternal, you are limitless, like you only actually even can get better as you age, you’re literally your wisdom can accelerate and grow. 

As you age, your body, your cells can age in reverse. It’s a thing, right? And know that you do get to choose to use time as a servant, not a master, you can choose to make meaning of milestones. You can use your own milestones as memorials, to who you’ve been and who you are becoming, you can you can say no to the things that deplete you and create your own time. 

That way you can give thanks to your former self. 

I do that shit all the time where I’m like, dang, every time like I was going to take a trip to Mexico next week. I just played made an audible and was like, You know what, I’m gonna go to Lisbon Portugal cuz I want to, and I can and every time I do that, I think I give thanks to the earlier versions of myself. 

That gifted me with the freedom and the resources to make choices like that. Right I give things every day you wake up Give thanks to the earlier version of yourself that fed yourself watered yourself, clothe yourself to get you to where you are right now. Give thanks for the clarity, the power and the wisdom you can get out of your right now current circumstances and then like give thanks for the miracles They will follow miracles in the wonders that will never see this day. 

And then go out there and look for him. Wait for him watch for him because you’re trying to get to you. They’re trying to get to you. 

All right. So I’ll give thanks on your behalf for those things too. I love you. Thank you for joining me this Transformation Tuesday. 

If you are new, do me a favor and like this video, share this video, share this channel. If you’re on YouTube, subscribe and hit the bell notification. Go to soultour.com and go to soultour.com/subscribe if you want us to send these to your inbox on Tuesdays and also send you a weekly version of my daily ritual practice on Saturdays along with some other stuff I want you to read that week. I love you. We’ve got so much more that we’re cooking up behind the scenes and I’ll share all of it as it unfolds in divine order and timing. All right, all is well with you.

Head up + heart out,

Tara-Nicholle Kirke, MA, Esq.
The Metaphysician
Founder + CEO of SoulTour

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